what a day / what a night (2012
got tribal tattoos,
went jazzercising,
ate dip n dots and floated around the lazy river at the waterpark,
braided our pubes,
not political at all but invaded the capitol just for fun,
went noodling, then
parkour!, in the cemetery,
planking around town,
Game of thrones LARPing in the park,
went elf hunting but didn’t find any elves this time,
played in the ballpit at chuckycheeses,
threw a whole cheese pizza on my exes roof because she didn’t like breaking bad,
stalked a celeb for 30 miles,
to her house
then we went home to relax, did some meth & fucked
some dribbled out of her butt
to the bathroom floor
and she slipped
on the jizz
and hit her head and
got knocked out
and like a goood boyfriend
I carried her to bed
tucked her in
and let her sleep it off
she wakes up
in the middle of the night
I ask how u feeling babe??
and she starts screaming
“WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?”
I try to calm her down
i’m ur boyfriend, snugglepuffs, remember?
but she pulls a can of mace from her purse
and sprays my face
and the dog is barking
and biting my ankles
ahhh aahhh
she runs out of the house
screaming
“CALL THE POLICE
HELP
THERE’S AN INTRUDER IN MY HOUSE”
half-blind &
dragging the black lab by my ankle
I finally make it to the front door
and a neighbor has a shotgun
pointed at my chest
“DON’T MOVE ASSHOLE!”
then the cops come
I’m standing with my hands in the air
“FREEZE NI****!”
but the black labrador doesn’t
and he gets shot at least 8 times
(apparently one of the cops thought it was a black male with a gun)
*later*
come on babe, it’s me, remember?
shmoopsiepoo, boobookittyfuck, honeysweetiepookiebear, goofygoober
come on sugarpuss, it’s me, Mr. Peepeepoopoo man
she looks at me for a long time
and then the stupid bitch jumps into my arms
i remember, she says
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