cockblock

it was our third date

i was confident i was going to get laid

everything was going great then

we went skinny dipping into the ocean and…

well…we encountered a 105-foot blue whale

the biggest fucking creature on earth today

best play it safe, i’ve heard stories about whales attacking humans before 

i yelled at her

“STAY AWAY!”

but she was mesmerized

she swam up to it

“STOP!” “GET BACK!” i yelled

she started petting it

“NO, DON’T!”

“OH MY GOD!” she squealed

“IT’S SO BWEAUTIFUL!”

and all of the sudden a 12-foot-long,

1,000-pound penis jutted out

(the biggest penis on earth)

it raped her and killed her then ate her 

there was nothing i could do but watch her suffer and die

then it turned on me but

i was a safe distance away

i made it to shore without a problem

but god damnit…

the ocean is FUCKED

i’m never going in there again