tub boy

in the park bathroom

on the toilet

took some laxatives earlier

haven’t shat in svn days

tried hella times

but it’s just not coming out

it’s 9:40

park closes in 20 minutes

push push puush

just a couple small turds come out,  plop,  plop

push push ahh

i debate goin to the ER

my stomach is in so much pain

then i hear someone enter the bathroom

hear them walk up to my stall

…

a head appears (!?)

a hand

an arm

reaching under the door

grabbing my leg

pulling me out

“what the hell!” i scream and kick

he yells “give me your fucking wallet!”

no way, alls i got’s 10 dollars

“hell no bitch”

i get to my feet and try to fight him

but it’s kinda hard when yr pants are around yr ankles

this is bad

“i’ll bEaT tHe ShIt OuT oF yOu!” he screams, punching me in the face

i fall on my ass

he kicks me in the stomach

Oulg

he bends over reaching for my wallet

i’m holding him off for now but not for long he’s too strong…

but then i feel it

ooo shit, it’s coming

ooOOO

and i get an idea

(shout outs to tub girl)

“you fucked with the wrong guy!” i yell,

rolling my legs behind my head

i aim

then pushpushPUUUSH

and a geyser of shit shoots into his face

bulls eye

he runs for the exit, projectile vomiting

he slips and falls

gets up and tries to run out again but slips and falls again

he’s completely covered in shit n vom

miraculously none got on me

i rip the paper towel dispenser off the wall and bash him over the head unconscious

“BITCH!” 

/ then i steal his backpack, cigs, flask of vodka, cell phone, car keys, wallet with 60 bucks in it, squirt on him some more, wetwipe my butt, wash my hands, and get the hell out ov there in his 2005 ford escape. beep beep!

i drive until it’s out of gas, leave it on the side of the road. spray paint giant dicks all over it. ok, i think we’re even now.

feeling good. feeling light as a feather. 50 miles closer to my destination and enough to buy a train ticket the rest ov the way.

YEEEHAW