~ after a long night of fucking nihilistic goth antinatalist shorties and partying i pass out in a motel
~ earthquake wakes me up
immediately head to the ocean
the safest place
I walk the beach
hit the bong (hhhwuhhbuhbubuhhbub)
WaKe aNd BaKe!
most everyone else is running from the water
hmm—
ahhhh, what is that?
holy shizz,
is that what i think it is?
tsunami?!
must be a few hundred feet
wwooaah
it’s b e a u t i f u l
that’s going to fuck a lot of people up
but not me…
I strip down
revealing a TEAM USA speedo
I charge fearlessly
as the wave is rolling in
(USA USA USA!)
I dive into it
like a hot knife through butter
sucks for everyone else hahaha
treading water, I look back and see the city
get obliterated, I beat on my chest,
best swimmer alive
michael phelps!
I hit the bong again
the best eva
I’m michael phelps!
I made it!
I’m alive!
~ then I realize I'm in my mom's bathtub in Califnora
it's 2018 my name is Johonny Scalarti, i’m 30 years old
I haven't had sex in 4, haven't been to a party in 5—
no wait, that is untrue! untrue!!
I'm michael fucking phelps!!!!
For a second I thought I was Michael Phelps, my half chubbed cock in my hand felt like Olympic gold, and Armageddon was a bong-rip away.
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