6/17/11

i operate the weight machine
at the gym 

i watch the veins 
come out of my arms 

i am magnificent 

i flex my biceps into the mirror
wink, point, wave my hand thru my hair, ruaahh
lift my sleeveless shirt 
see my ripped up abs  

then the arms of the machine come to life

!!!??!?!???!??????!??!?!?!!!??!
and i'm tackled to the ground
and all my clothes get torn off 
and the machine penetrates me 
woah ah
a nice sized handlebar into my asshole ah

i breathe hard into the mirror 
as it's happening - i draw with a finger into the fog
help

ah
ah
ah
stop

take pictures (evidence)
post them to instagram  
caption: help i’m being raped

then i'm being dragged out  
by a group of gymrats and meathead employees 
i'm told i am banned for life 
and the police are coming 
they say i'm in a lot of trouble 

what the freaking heck man!? i was the vIcTiM!!!
your machines are RaPiStS!!!
they say it was the other way around
they got it all on camera 

i'm being set up!!!
i escape their grips and outrun them 
they are slow because their muscles are so large  
i get in my car 

two of them get into a car and try to follow
but i've seen the movie Drive with Ryan Gosling like 10 times
i lose them easily 

all my clothes were left at the gym in tatters
and i don't have any in my car 
just a couple mcdonald’s bags 
and some glue
i make it work

i pull up to my apartment 

as i'm walking up the steps 

some kids across the street yell "FREEEEAAAAAAAK"

but nobody fucking disrespects The Candyman  

and gets away with it 

it’s clobbering time 

OOO, they’re in for a real sweet treat when i smear my blood into their wounds 

“REEEEEEEE!!!” i scream and charge

but my mcdonald’s bags fly off 

and my dick and balls are flopping around 

the kids shriek and flee

ahhhh my nuts

i gotta hold them so they stop banging against my legs

(MC)CHICKENS!!! i scream after them

dam those little mcchickens r fast 

have to call off the chase 

i go back home 

(i’ll get them another day)

my key isn't working again 
so i break in through a window again

my girlfriend's on the couch, she gets up 
runs and screams down the hallway 
'HE'S BACK, THE CREEP IS BACK!' 

'NO ROSE, IT'S ME!' i scream after her 
'IT'S ME, JACK' 

a door opens 
i freeze
a man holding a shotgun 
walks toward me 
and blasts